Two Nights in the Garden

Chapter 3

Darkness Falls

For a Weasley dinner, the kitchen was remarkably quiet. Harry noticed that Mrs. Weasley seemed more tired than usual and attributed it to the quickly approaching wedding. He also couldn't help but notice the sidelong glances that Ron and Hermione were sharing, apparently believing no one else was watching them.

As for Ginny, after their eyes met the first time, they hardly looked at each other the rest of the meal. Harry fervently hoped that nobody was paying attention – he didn't want to deal with their questions. In the end, he needn't have worried. Ron and Hermione were too occupied with each other to notice, and Mr. and Mrs. Weasley were both too tired to even speak.

When they finished eating, which must have been in record time for a Weasley dinner, Harry was about to step outside the kitchen again when Hermione caught his eye with a significant glance. He waited while she made her way around the table, apologizing for getting in Ron's way and giving him one more sweet smile before following Harry outside.

As the door closed behind them, Harry watched as Ginny's eyes followed them out, filled with a palpable pain. It made his heart ache and a sad voice inside him told him it was too late now. He had blown it.

Tearing his eyes away from the door and thoughts of the occupants inside, he turned to face Hermione. She was waiting patiently at the steps and when he turned, she gave him a swift hug.

“I missed you, Harry,” she said into his shoulder.

For some reason he found it hard to answer because his throat was all hot and tight. “I missed you, too,” he finally managed.

“Go for a walk with me?” she asked and he nodded. They headed for the garden. Night was starting to come on, and the chirp of frogs was growing in volume from the pond. The grass was soft and deadened their footfalls as they walked.

Hermione stopped in the dim light by the overgrown entrance, looking around with concern. “They're not having the wedding here, are they?”

“No,” Harry said darkly, “I guess there's a magical garden near the town. It's going to be there. They haven't had time to work out here anymore, since… I don't see what's so great about them getting married anyway.”

Hermione couldn't help be hear the twinge of pain in his voice at his last words. She reached out and took his hand, leading them in. Neither of them really knew their way around, and after a couple of dead-ends, they finally sat down on an old bench by the trickling waterfall Harry had noticed earlier. He looked around at the plants and the trees and felt some peace in their shielding.

“So, how are you?” Hermione began rather awkwardly.

“Okay,” he answered. “How're you?”

She looked away for a moment, “I'm all right.”

“It's Ron, isn't it?” Harry asked, narrowing his eyes at her in the falling darkness. Had it been any lighter he might have caught her blush and known the answer to his question.

“Hermione,” he continued, “I don't know much about this relationship stuff (she coughed loudly), but I know he likes you. I also know that you like him. How long has it been?”

His question was asked with such gentleness that she couldn't help but answer. “I don't really know… since Viktor maybe? I guess that's when I started to realize it, but I just held back my feelings. A lot of good that did. I think it just made things worse. This year was so bad, I… I wish I could just forget everything that happened. Seeing him with her , it made me so angry. That's when I knew for sure, really.”

Harry just looked at her, and she felt herself getting warm under his intense gaze. Finally he turned his head away.

“I used to fancy you, you know,” he said.

“What!” she exclaimed.

“Well, when a bloke's got close girlfriends, these thoughts just happen sometimes.” He squirmed next to her. “Besides, it's not like I feel that way now. You're… you're like a sister to me now. And I swear, if Ron hurts you… I'm going to let him have it, I don't care if he's bigger than me.”

Hermione reached out to grab his outstretched fist, pulling him toward her. She put a hand on his face. “Thanks, Harry,” she said softly, then moved closer and kissed him on the cheek. “I feel the same way – like you're a brother to me.”

Harry reached out beside him and picked a large leaf from a plant, tearing it into small pieces and letting them float down to his feet. Hermione just looked on, waiting for him to say something. He appeared to be building up his courage.

“The Dursley's never touched me,” he finally began, not quite knowing what he was saying. “I don't know, but I'd guess that Mrs. Weasley might have been the first adult, other than my parents, who ever hugged me. She's like a mother to me, even when I don't deserve it.” He ducked his head, but continued on with Hermione's reassuring look.

“Uncle Vernon hardly even acknowledged my presence. I used to go and sit in the park, all by myself. I think I was too young to notice if there were ever any girls there. Then when I started Hogwarts, it was all so different it took me a couple of years to notice any of the girls there.” He gave her a significant glance, and she just smiled.

“My first real kiss was in fifth-year with Cho – well besides when you kissed me in fourth-year.”

“When I what?” she squeaked.

“At the end of fourth year you kissed me on the cheek. Don't you remember?” He touched his hand to his cheek.

He could tell she was blushing, even in the dark. “I… I forgot about that. You might not have been the only who… noticed a friend.”

“You mean… you… me?”

“Oh, come on, Harry. You were pretty much my best friend, I couldn't help it. Not to mention, you were so handsome .” She giggled. “But I was happy to give over that job to Ginny years ago.”

“Hey, what do you mean, I was so handsome?” He asked in mock offense.

“Like I said, I'll leave that to Ginny to decide.”

Harry was silent for a few moments. “Yeah, well, I think that's pretty much over with.” He sighed, but before Hermione could say anything he started again.

“This summer… ” he said in a whisper, struggling to get the words out. “This summer has been so hard. I miss her so much , and I'm terrified that I might have buggered things up so much I can't fix them. Merlin, Hermione, I… I love her, and I'm so scared of losing her. Even if I could get her back, I'd be just as scared that she'd get hurt. There's no way I'm worth that. If I can just keep her away, then she'll be safe. And if I don't… if I don't make it back, she'll still be able to have a normal life.

“And then sometimes I think that I should just let things go and try and make it work with her. We had so much fun together. She's so amazing, and funny, and… well, she's really rather pretty. But I always end up back at the same spot. It might be good for me for a while, but then if she got hurt, I'd never be able to forgive myself. I would feel like I was just using her for a while, just for some fun.”

He scrubbed his face with his hands and tried to flatten the hairs that had been stirred up in the breeze. The trickle of water and the brush of leaves did little to comfort him now. He wished the darkness would come and swallow him up. There was so little point in his trying to fight anymore, it was just too hard.

Beside him, Hermione sniffed. “What did those horrible people do to you, Harry, to make you think you're not worth anything?”

He jerked around at the sudden turn of her thoughts. At first he thought it was just a rhetorical question, but then he realized she actually wanted an answer. “You wouldn't believe me if I told you,” he said quietly.

“I can't imagine what they must have done,” she said. “I can see why you'd be unhappy about Bill and Fleur, but to think that you don't deserve the same… Harry, for whatever happened to you, I'm sorry and I wish I could have helped. I should have done more.” She reached out and squeezed his hand.

“You have, Hermione.” He paused again, trying to piece his thoughts together, but everything seemed so elusive now.

“I've always kept everything inside.” he started talking again, without knowing where he was going. “I'm sure you're well aware of that. I know I haven't been the easiest to get along with. I know I'm a grumpy bugger sometimes, and that I should try to let people in so they can help me. It's just so hard. I always feel like it's my burden to carry, and I forget that there are other people out there who are willing to help me carry it. I guess I don't let you help because of what could happen. Look at what Voldemort's done to everyone close to me, starting with my parents when I was a year old.

“Then in first year I almost died trying to keep the stone away from him. In second year, he almost killed you, Ginny, and me. Last year he almost killed Ron. Sirius died trying to save my stupid arse, when I should have known better. Dumbledore probably knew all along how much danger he was in, but it's weird, he's the only one I don't feel guilty about, and that bothers me. I feel like I should feel guilty about it. I mean, he was trying to help me figure out how to sort out Voldemort, but now looking back, I think he knew what was going to happen. I think he tried to prepare me as much as he could.

“Sometimes I just don't see how I have a hope of winning this. It seems like everything has always worked out by luck, but at the same time someone's always gotten hurt. I don't know how much more I can deal with this. And if Ginny got hurt… “ he made a strange sound and dropped his face into his hands.

Hermione put her hand on his back and rubbed it up and down, trying to offer him some small bit of relief. He was struggling so hard to keep his emotions in check, and it pained her to know the Dursley's had made him this way. She wanted nothing more than to get him to open up, but knew from years of trying that it would most likely just make him close up further.

He finally sat up straight again and looked around at the wild green of the plants taking over the garden.

“It's kind of pretty here, really,” he said at last.

“It is,” she answered.

They continued to sit in silence for some time, feeling the cool night breeze blow around them. The clouds that had come in earlier were starting to break up and now and then stars were visible between them.

Hermione sighed loudly next to him, and he knew she was dying to get something off her mind.

“Go ahead, you can say it. I'm sorry I've always made you feel like you have to be careful what you say around me. I promise I'll start working on that.” He tried to smile but it looked more like a grimace.

“I think we've all got a lot of work to do still,” she said, letting her words slip away on the breeze before continuing. “It's just that, I was hoping you would talk to her. She's so upset. I know she tries to cover it up – you two are a lot alike in that – but we talked earlier and she told me everything you said, about keeping her safe. I'm not disagreeing with you, but please take some time to think it over some more.”

“I've been thinking it over all summer,” he said. “I've been second-guessing myself so much that I'm starting to have conversations with myself and I think I'm losing my mind.”

“Well,” she continued, “I'm glad you've been thinking about it, but you should look at it from Ginny's point of view sometime. She's liked you since, well, since forever. She had to endure you ignoring her for so many years and then you finally notice her, only to end it as soon as it started. She has no idea what to feel right now. She's been totally abandoned by you, and believe me, she's feeling it. Yours is the opinion that matters the most to her, and you won't even speak to her. Imagine how betrayed she feels.

“I'm not trying to hurt you more, I just want you to know how she feels. I'm not trying to tell you what to do, but she at least deserves to have you talk to her. At least be her friend again.”

Harry was silent, and to her surprise he appeared to be thinking deeply about what she had said. Eventually he reached over and squeezed her hand in his, holding it tight.

“Hermione, I don't know what I'd do without you. Well… I know I would have gotten an awful lot of T's in my classes, but classes aren't important (she gave him a scathing look), for what's really important you've always known what's best. I should give you more credit for everything you've done for me. I love you, Hermione. Thanks.”

Surprising even himself, especially after his exertion to tell her the truth, he leaned over and hugged her.

“I don't know what I'd do without you,” he said close by her ear.

“I love you, too,” she whispered.

They sat holding each other for a while, enjoying the comfort of true friendship and the soothing sounds of the night. When Hermione shivered, Harry pulled away and smiled at her.

“Can you imagine if Ron had been here for that?” he asked while she stood up.

“No,” she said softly. “But I need to talk to him myself. Are you coming up to the house?” She tucked a few stray hairs behind her ear and looked down at him.

“No, but… would you mind, I mean, if you happen to run into her, would you… ask her if she might want to talk to me?”

Hermione smiled at his awkward behavior and nodded, turning to go back up to the house. She needed to find Ginny first, and then she was going to find Ron.

It was time for them to have a discussion of their own.

As she walked away, she couldn't have seen the darkness that crept slowly back across Harry's face.

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